CNN's John King Calls Off Wedding, Moves In with Map (satire)
John King, chief national correspondent for CNN, broke off his engagement to colleague Dana Bash Thursday after revealing a months-long affair with his interactive election map.
Wolf Blitzer, lead anchor for the network's 2008 election coverage, said he'd grown increasingly uncomfortable with King's infatuation over his touchscreen sidekick. But Blitzer claimed he didn't know until the Pennsylvania primary that King and his "magic map" were counting more than votes.
"We were all very excited about Pennsylvania. Another big night for the best political team on television. But the truth is," explained Blitzer, "viewers only saw John with his map on-camera. Off-camera, he didn't leave her side. John didn't step away for refreshments the entire evening. Not even for a Skittle." Blitzer, suddenly visibly upset, composed himself before adding, "Later that night, long after Pennsylvania had been called for Clinton and most of us had already gone home, one of our producers brought a Krispy Kreme over to John. She found him with his pants around his ankles and his hand on Florida. I won't get into what was resting on New Jersey."
Little is known about the coquettish wall map. Her interface is called Perceptive Pixel Multi-Touch Screen.
King and the "magic wall," another one of her nicknames, only began
working together on January 8, the day of the New Hampshire primary.
But their chemistry blossomed with each successive night of primary and
caucus coverage, each passionate wave of King's hand, each poke and tap
into one of our nation's voting precincts.
Still, most friends and family were shocked. Mr. King and Ms. Bash, whom he also met on the job at CNN, seemed very much in love and looking forward to their future together. A Catholic, King even converted to Judaism for his now former fiancée. In a February interview with The Forward, he compared the excruciating pain of his adult circumcision to sitting through the 2005 Broadway production of Fiddler on the Roof, starring Rosie O'Donnell and Harvey Fierstein.
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